Many years before James Madison became the 4th President of the United States, he sat down with Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and a few other prominent men. Years later these men would go down in history as the founding fathers of the United States of America. Together they drafted one of the most important documents in American History, The United States Bill of Rights. Once these men had agreed upon what they would present and the senate made some changes, they ratified The Bill of Rights on December 15th, 1771. This one document would outline the Civil Rights and Liberties guaranteed to every American.
James Madison
Hundreds of years later, another man would sit down and write something. His list would never be as important, nor would he have a copy of his rights hanging in any courthouse or memorized by any lawyer or judge. His list of rights would change lives. But we will get to that in a minute…..
My Personal Battle with Anxiety
Years ago, I had severe anxiety. Every morning I would wake up and it felt as if I could feel the blood running through my veins. I would exercise, meditate, and eat well. Still, the anxiety was overwhelming. It didn’t matter if the stress in my life was at an all-time high or if things were going well, I still felt anxious. I knew I was stressing over things that I could not control and also about demands and commitments I could not meet; I was having a hard time expressing my feelings and saying no to additional obligations. I wanted to make everyone in my life content, but I forgot that I had to keep myself healthy and happy before I could help anyone else.
The journey to battle my anxiety would be an interesting one. In previous posts I have discussed codependency, boundaries, and many other communication techniques, but to tackle my anxiety I still had a long way to go on the road from chaos to calmness. I knew I did not want to keep taking anxiety pills for the rest of my life, heck; they were not working anyway. The solution I discovered was interesting and non-conventional.
As I scrolled the internet for answers, I found a list with a simple title: Personal Bill of Rights. I read this a few times, and it was nothing short of shocking. The extensive list described a series of emotional rights that every person was entitled to live their life by. Why had I never seen this list before and would these things help my anxiety?
What are our personal rights?
In 1990, Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D., wrote a book called Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. In this book, he talks about what every human being has a right too. The first time I read this extensive list, it shocked me. Not only did it go against much of what society has advised us about acceptable behavior, but it went against much of what I had been taught as a child. Would these not make me a selfish person?
What I had just discovered was a full list of things I deserved in my life. Not from anything I had earned or accomplished. These are things that every human being has a right to just because we are alive. We do not get medals or trophies that earn these rights, nor do we reach a certain age and receive a license to carry these rights. These are things that we just have a right to, no matter what! This list is refreshing in a society that is so confusing. I understood that to get the full benefits of this list; I had to study them and accept them into my life without negotiation or question.
Dr. Edmund J. Bournes Personal Bill of Rights
- I have the right to ask for what I want.
- I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
- I have the right to change my mind.
- I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
- I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
- I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
- I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
- I have the right to determine my own priorities.
- I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
- I have the right to expect honesty from others.
- I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
- I have the right to be uniquely myself.
- I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m scared.”
- I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
- I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
- I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
- I have the right to my own reality
- I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
- I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
- I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
- I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
- I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
- I have the right to change and grow.
- I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
- I have the right to grieve
- I have the right to a fulfilling sex life
- I have the right to be happy.
Take a few moments to go over the list of Personal Rights. Do any of them jump out at you? Do you feel deserving of these rights?
Let’s Look at These Individually
- I have the right to ask for what I want– What a wonderful concept! Life teaches many of us that we sound selfish when we express what we want. By not communicating our wants, we are expecting others to fulfill our needs without effective communication. It is our right to express what we need in our relationships! This seems to be more of an issue with the Baby Boomers and Gen X, than with the younger generation. I know a woman who has a strong marriage; she is 30 years old. One day, while visiting with her, her husband was busy with something, she lightheartedly stated that she “needed attention,” he stopped what he was doing and came to sit with us. I remember expressing how lovely it was that she could be so direct with him. He smiled and said he loved that too. We could learn a thing or two from her!’
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I cannot meet- No is a full sentence; it is as simple as that. We may say no, without explanation to anyone. I struggled with this for years, and so did many of the people I speak with on this matter. Why? Society has conditioned us to always go out of our way for others and we should put others before our needs and wants. We must recognize this as manipulation. Parents, teachers, coaches, siblings, and friends have used manipulating communication to get us to do as they want and we have obliged. Every time we say yes, when we want to say no, we are teaching others to use those techniques, again and again, to get us to do things we do not want to do. I think this it is imperative to teach our children this so they do not develop codependent behaviors or become victims of abuse.
3. I have the right to change my mind– I have been told my whole life that if I agree to do something, I should always follow through. Many times I have said I will do something weeks in advance and as the time nears, I realize I have a schedule conflict or I just do not feel up to it. In the past, I have just done it because I did not know I had a right to change my mind; I felt that by doing so I would let people down or ruin my credibility. In understanding that I have a right to change my mind, it has eliminated stress and anxiety in my life. I now realize that changing my mind does not make me a terrible person, it makes me human!
4. I have a right to make mistakes and do not have to be perfect- Why is it we are hardest on ourselves when we make a mistake? I spent years apologizing to others when I made simple mistakes. Many parents used shame or punishment with us as children. Many parents felt this was “motivating,” yet what it is cause us to be hard on ourselves. We are allowed to make mistakes! We do not have to be perfect at everything! Next time you lock those keys in your car or lose your wallet, remember it is okay to make mistakes.
5. I have a right to follow my values and standards- We all have different lifestyles and experiences. I believe we should treat everyone with respect. However, this does not mean we have to accept everything everyone else does, nor does it mean we have to lower our standards to make someone else feel comfortable. In today’s world, it seems as if society’s norms dictate that we should accept everything and everyone. However, we all may follow our value systems. I believe that being around behaviors that affect my safety is unacceptable and will not lower my standards to accommodate anyone else’s bad habits or feelings. Those are boundaries and we all have a right to set them.
6. I have the right to express all of my feelings, both positive and negative, in a manner that does not harm others- A few weeks ago I wrote about toxic positivity this explained how people that do not allow negative feelings in their lives are invalidating those around them. Healthy relationships require communication of feelings, both negative and positive. Each person must feel validated, and that requires listening to negative feelings. Normal human emotions include sadness, depression, hopelessness, and feeling defeated. In every relationship, you have a right to express your feelings without being told you are overreacting; you should not feel that way, or any similar statements. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to say them out loud! But take a look at the second part of this personal right, in a manner that does not harm others. This simply states that when expressing your feelings, you do not have a right to harm others with your words. It does not mean we can scream, swear, or abuse others because we have a right to our feelings. It does not mean we have a right to be sexist, racist, or discriminatory in any way that may harm someone. Communicate your feelings, just be kind while doing it.
7. I have a right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready; it is unsafe, or it violates my values– I once heard a story from a new wife. Not long after the wedding, her husband planned a weekend in Colorado and insisted they go. She had never gone skiing in her life and did not feel ready to try it. For days, she expressed that she felt frightened, and he reassured her how once she tried it she would love it. After arriving, he gave her a brief lesson on how to ski. They rode the lift to a beginner hill and when they were about to start down; she froze. He became angry and proceeded down the hill without her. She took the lift down by herself and he stayed angry at her the entire weekend. We can say no, other people do not have the right to guilt us or make us feel bad for doing something we are not comfortable with.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities– You have the right to set your priorities! Your family members, your spouse, or your friends do not have the right to set your priorities for you. This means saying no to things you do not want to do, can not afford to do, or are uncomfortable doing. By doing this, you will save hundreds of your precious hours, thousands of dollars, and unnecessary stress on yourself.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems– Read that again. You are only responsible for YOUR behavior, actions, feelings, and problems. But not that of others. It is necessary in life to be compassionate, empathetic and caring. However, it is not your job to fix, save, rescue, or repair others’ feelings or problems! This is hard for most of us. It goes against much of what we have learned for our entire lives. This belief has caused many of us to develop anxiety disorders and develop health conditions from stress and also leads to codependency! One of the healthiest things I have ever learned was this: when we rescue others from their behaviors, actions, feelings, and problems, we are keeping them from learning the natural consequences to their actions. Each one of us has to go through tough times, broken relationships, and financial stresses to learn from them. When we rescue others, we are hindering their growth, not helping.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others– It is NOT okay for others to lie to you. We should not be making excuses for people who lie to us! You have the right to expect honesty in all your relationships. If someone you love is lying to you, set a boundary today, and hold to it. Do not accept this behavior!
11. I have the right to feel angry at someone I love and to express this in a responsible manner- Where did we learn anger was a destructive emotion? Anger is normal. It is a normal response to being treated inappropriately. Often, we feel anger and “stuff” this emotion. This is unhealthy! As long as we express our anger responsibly, it is healthy to let others know how we feel! Swearing, yelling, and throwing things is never acceptable. However, once we learn to use I statements and express how we feel, we can take our relationships to new levels of respect and calmness.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself– You have the right to your own beliefs, feelings, values, morals, emotions, and way of life! No one has the right to to tell you how you feel or believe is wrong. You get to be just you! Over the years, we may feel guilty for our core values as society changes its norms, but we may be just who we are. I remember as a child; people pushed me to be more outgoing, have more friends, and join more activities. This was stressful for a young person. As the years progressed, I took part in many activities that felt unnatural to me because those around me told me if I just kept doing these things I would learn to like them. Truth is, I am an introvert. After years of trying to change for other people, I accepted that being an introvert was okay. There is nothing wrong with this! I have a right to be myself, even if that makes others uncomfortable!
13. I have the right to feel scared and say I am afraid- There is an old saying that states “there is nothing to fear but fear itself,” I dislike this statement. I am fearful of snakes. It is not fear that I am afraid of, it is the slimy, legless, venom-filled creatures that slither in unnatural ways. No, I do not want to put myself into a pit of disgusting snakes to get over that fear like in the show “Fear Factor,” nor do I want to hold one. I am going to continue to fear them and express my fear when I see one. Period.
Putting snakes aside, growing up in the ’60s, ’70s, and 80s were challenging times for women. Women were expected to be tough in a “man’s” world. Not only were we trying to fit into careers that were just opening up to us, but we were also told that feminine emotions had no place in the business world. We had to be tough if we were going to survive!
I also believe that men have faced this issue for a long time. Many considered a man weak if he showed fear. Fear is another emotion, like anger, that is normal. Once we admit that we have fears or feel fearful and others validate this, we can accept this as part of who we are.
14. I have the right to say I don’t know- This is interesting and can cover many situations from work environments to giving a response to our time. Many of us feel the need to give an immediate answer when asked to commit to obligations. It is okay to not decide on the spot. We can think something over and that is perfectly okay to do.
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior: No is a full sentence. We do not have to give excuses while saying no to anyone. Nor do we owe anyone an excuse for something that happened out of our control. A few weeks ago, my husband was late coming home. He came into the house explaining to me how the line at the store was long, how bad the traffic was, how his phone would not charge and how he had stopped to help a man broken down on the side of the road. He was frantic and felt bad that he had kept me waiting. Instead of becoming angry, I said, you do not owe me an explanation but I am glad that you made it home safely. It is amazing how a response like this can make someone feel better.
16. I have a right to make decisions based on my feelings– Ah, how many times have we heard “think with our heads and not our hearts?” It is okay to decide things based on our feelings in certain situations. People with anxiety need to understand this. I don’t believe Dr. Bourne, was speaking about financial situations when he added this to his list. I believe he was discussing our emotional needs. Family get-togethers come to mind here. I remember attending a family reunion once and after being there for only a short time, I was drained and departed early. I angered a few people as I left. I based my departure on my feelings, and I did not let anyone convince me to stay with facts. That was perfectly okay to do.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time- Each one of us has the right to take time for self-care. Any relationship where one person tells you something different is unhealthy. You have every right to have alone time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous- Although this seems self-explanatory, there are many times in our life where we are called childish while we are doing silly things or having fun. I have seen this in relationship dynamics, where one partner finds this behavior as a nuisance. Life does not have to be serious all the time. I remember one instance where my grown daughter, and I were playing with something in a store. We were giggling and having a grand old time. An older woman “scolded” us for this behavior. I remember telling my daughter that there was nothing wrong with what we were doing and not to let her ruin our day!
19. I have the right to be healthy- We have the right to make time for our health. In America, the obesity rate is at over 40%! We have a right to eat healthy, be active, do things we enjoy and to have a healthy mind! In a society, that is full of stressful situations, career demands, and family obligations, it seems as if many of us put this on the bottom of our priority lists. We must carve out time each day to take care of ourselves! We all have this right!
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment- When we think about abuse we automatically think about physical abuse, drug abuse and alcohol abuse. These are all serious matters and we all have the RIGHT to not live in an environment that is dangerous (if you are experiencing physical abuse please call a local agency or click here for help immediately) However, there is something called emotional abuse as well. This includes financial abuse, being screamed at, sworn at, belittled, shamed, mocked, denied yourself care, suppressing your emotional needs, and being in an environment where someone is accusing, pouting, threatening, using the silent treatment or manipulating you. We all have a right to live in a safe and calm environment. Once we realize we have this right, we can take steps to change our living conditions by setting boundaries. When you enter your home it should provide calmness and safety. Our homes should not be battlefields. YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT.
21. I have the right to make friends and feel comfortable around people- This personal right is two-fold. We all have the right to make and maintain friendships outside of our marriages and relationships and we all have the right to decide who we will be around. There are situations where a person makes us feel uncomfortable and we all have the right to choose to not be around that person This is important to teach our children and not “force” friendships they do not feel comfortable with. Childhood is a vital time to allow them to learn to trust themselves regarding their instincts with people.
22. I have the right to change and grow- How often do we hear separating couples state their partner has changed, and this is the reason for divorce? We all have a right to develop during our lifetime and change our interests, values and beliefs over the years. We are under no contract to stay the same.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others– Notice how this states respected not provided. I think this is an important distinction. Recently, I was speaking to a man that was feeling frustrated in his relationship. He stated that whenever he and his wife argue; she wants to discuss it for hours. The most current discussion lasted 7 hours, into the early morning! I asked him what his needs and wants were in these situations. He stated that he agreed these issues needed to handled but sometimes he wanted to continue the discussions at a later time. We talked about how he could solve this issue by understanding that his needs and wants were just as important as hers.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect– When I was a teenager; I worked in a fast-food restaurant. Often we were targets because of customers’ bad days. My boss did not tolerate this from customers. He would often tell these customers he had a rule in his business. His employees would treat his customers with respect, and his customers would treat his employees likewise. He often asked rude people to leave and gave no excuses. I learned a valuable lesson from him and I have been careful to always treat others with respect no matter who they are or where they work.
25. I have a right to grieve– My parents were married for 56 years, My father passed away in 2012. It took my mother a long time to adjust to his death, and that was perfectly normal. Every year we still all stop on his birthday, Christmas (which was his favorite holiday) and the anniversary of his death to grieve the loss of a great man. He died in February and my siblings and I still have a tough time during that month every year. There is no timeline on grief and we all have a personal right to grieve as long and as often as we need too.
26. I have a right to a fulfilling sex life– I have spoken to many divorcees who have stated this as a reason for their divorce. We all know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but I have heard people say that someone has used sex in a marriage to gain control by withholding it from a partner as leverage. Every one in a healthy relationship deserves to have a healthy sex life.
27. I have a right to be happy– How often do people stay in unsatisfying relationships or at unfulfilling jobs because they believe they have to stick with a commitment they made? We all have the right to be happy, and each one of us should do whatever it takes to achieve this standard in our lives. We need to stop waiting for someday and make it a now goal, not a future goal.
As I worked through these Personal Rights and made sure that I was allowing myself these rights, my anxiety lessened. Overcoming anxiety is something that takes hard work and often professional intervention, however, these tools can add to your journey towards calmness. It took me many years to implement the above personal rights into my own life, but after understanding these as emotional human rights; I made big changes in my life and relationships. I now understand what happy and healthy people were doing to have calmness and happiness every day. Just like our founding fathers, Dr Edmund Bourne set forth a document to help us understand our rights as human beings. I think I will frame these rights and put them on my wall next to the copy of my constitution. It is just as important.
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
** I am not paid by any of the above. The information I have provided has benefited me and I feel that these are the helpful tools to use for anxiety
Who can I contact for help with anxiety? Anxiety and Depression Association of American
Finding Your Calm in Chaos 